Hello there, Stranger!
Welcome to my humble little blog.

The name's Tammie, but friends call me Tam (not 'thumb').

Who am I, you ask?
I'm not that smart top-scorer girl in your class.
I'm not that pretty lass you always see on the streets either.
I am passionate, stubborn and emotional.
My absolute most favorite thing to do is hanging out with people I care & love.
My passion burns for Jesus & photography.
I wish to travel more and see more.

This blog was created so I get to jot down my feelings.
Happenings in life.
That is, if I'm not too lazy to update ;)

Today I found out how fortunate I am to have parents who does not give me everything I want.

During my childhood, it was so difficult to get my mother to buy me any thing I want in the shopping mall.
Even if I begged, pout, pulled a long dark face or cried, she is always firm in her answer, No.
Don't get me wrong, my mother always provide me with things I need, just not all the things I want.
I want toys, I want candies, I want useless products that looks good. Unlike me, she knows those things aren't beneficial for me, so she needs to make the decision for me.

As I grew up, my mother starts to introduce me to responsibility and independence.
She would make me go to shops and buy stuff on my own. Cook lunch or dinner for the family. Give me the responsibility of looking after my younger siblings. If she and dad have to go out and run some errands, she would drill in me that I have to feed them and not let them stay up so late at night.

At that time I felt that she was so nagging and annoying. I swore to myself that I would never be a mother like that.

I understand now why she was so 'hard' on me. Because she was the eldest daughter in her family too. I used to complain for being the first child in the family.

She knows how important it was for the first-born to learn to be independent and responsible.
Ma, thank you for this hard to learn, yet precious lesson in life.
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and when he said "Tammie, right?"
I was so freakishingly shy that I didn't have the guts to look at him in his eyes. whattheheck.
I wanted to headdesk myself when I got home and realised that I should've answered him:
"Yeah *insert smile* and you are XXXXX(his name, which I know but I'm not going to reveal here), right?"

Instead. You know what I replied him?

HOW FORMAL CAN I GET.
LIKE, URGGGHHHH.


He's not your discipline teacher, Tammie Tan Ming Ai.
Why don't you add a "Sir" behind your "Yes." Might as well, since you made it that formal. Gahhh.

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...can teach you the most valuable lesson. ya know?


Most of the time we, no, I want happening music for Praise & Worship session. I want a hilarious person to preach the sermon. But honestly, how impactful are those to me?



Today, with just 6 people, we gather in His name. We sang and then this Aunty, a friend of my mother, started sharing her personal testimony.

She is a petite and thin lady. She dresses in a demure way. Her hair is chopped in bob style and strains of whites are showing. Fingers on her left hand are curled in, in a way that is not obvious, but if you do pay attention, your eyes will always linger on them a second longer then they should.
I have a feeling her appearance does not justify her age. Wrinkles. Overly tanned skin. Perhaps its the hard years she had to endure working during her youth, or perhaps she just looks older then she really is, either way, she does look like a woman who is worn out physically. However, despite all that, she wears a smile that is warm and genuine. You can see that there is real joy and peace that radiates out of her.

She shared lots of things. About her old woman, how her mother fell and cut herself. How hard it was for her and how tired this unfortunate event made her. At first I was listening to her, nodding my head at all the correct moments and just wondering where all this is going...

Then, Aunty started talking about serving in church. Somehow, that caught my attention. She is the committee of the church. One of the few who was there to support the church from Day 1.

During church service yesterday, she was asked to care for the pastor's children, all 3 of them. Since the children's mother and grandma were in the choir and the pastor himself is preaching, she (as the Sunday School teacher) was the only one available to care for the children. The kids fell asleep in her arms during the service. Then it was time for photography session. For the committees to take a photo to be printed in the church's magazine.

It was during this time that her battle begin. With a child sleeping soundlessly in her arms, Aunty could not afford to go up to take the photo with the group. Yet, in her heart, she wanted so very much to do so. She said her heart felt sour watching all the committee went up for the group photo. I could relate to her at that moment. I know that feeling so well.

When she was relating this part to us, I can feel her pain.
You see, all her life, she has dedicated her time to serve God in that church. That church was home to her. She gave her effort to see it grow. The photo session was like a token of acknowledgement from the church in return. Yet she could not enjoy it.


By the time she finished this testimony, her eyes were slightly pink and her voice was shaky. I wanted to tear too.

Then, she turned to me and rox. For the first time since she started talking, she was looking directly at us. She told us she shared this today because of us, youngsters. She wanted to encourage us that no matter how hard is it to serve God, even if it seems like all is in vain, even if it seems like you're not going to gain any acknowledgement from anyone, NEVER give up. Never be discourage. Because God will reward is in the end. In His time.

This was the best 'sermon' I've had in a long time. Thank you, Aunty.
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If you've been in my life these few days you know its like some sort of drama.

Walking back in the rain?
Ignoring people out of the blue?
Getting mad for no apparent reason?
Getting into a huge argument with a close friend?

Those doesn't sound like me. At all.
If you could time travel and went back to predict to the me one year ago, things that would happen these few days, I would have told you in your face that you're dead wrong.

But alas. How sin can twist us. How the thought of evil and depressing thoughts can wrap us up in it's long, boney, creepy fingers. Never underestimate it's power- dark, hungry and lurking.

To be completely honest, it was all happening in my head- the getting mad for no reason thing. I was thinking depressing thoughts. Which well, surprise, surprise: made me depress. Then it made me angry. And the jokes which were meant to lighten the mood that evening seem to backfire.
Because in my head, I was a mess already. Then the jokes aimed at me came in & everyone finds it funny; while I was deep in depressing thoughts and a raging heart. It was not funny to me. It was the last straw.


It's sad.
I don't want things to be like this.
But I let them.
I welcome those thoughts.
I entertained them.

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Yes! The long battle for Planetshakers tickets is finally over. phew.
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Despite being a movie all about fighting and cold hard steels, Real Steel was a surprisingly heart-warming story.
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This has been annoying me for sometime.
At first I tried ignoring it.
Brush it of by saying, they're just trying to be friendly.




I don't know how to put this...

I just don't think it's always right to have everything planned. Not everything is meant to be planned out.

Especially not friendships.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe that's just my thinking.

Planned friendships... doesn't even sound genuine to me.
No matter how good the intentions are.. it just seems like a whole bunch of conspiracy. Like you're joining a gang or something. I know we love the same thing.. but does that really give you the right to plan out our friendship? How tight you want us to be? How 'best buddy' you want us to be?


And in all honesty, I don't mind AT ALL if you really have to plan this friendship of ours... as long as you don't place that plan in my face and tell me how's it going to be like.
Keep it to yourself.
Work it out and let me think that it wasn't all planned out.

AT LEAST you give me to decency to feel natural about it. I'd appreciate that very much.

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Well, it wasn't as fun as I wish it to be.. Reason is because we don't have a full & proper family gathering.

Both Shyang and Yin couldn't make it. Shyang has exams and Yin is still rolling in New Jersey =\

Thus, our family picture below is not complete. Sigh.








To my ah ma, happy birthday :)



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It's so amazing what I asked from Father and get it.



You know.. He's not like fathers here on earth.
Even when I don't voice it out to Him directly...He knows my heartbeat. He knows my thirst. If He knows it's really important that I have it. He lets me have it. Even if it's a stupid request.

And that makes me want choke with tears... Cause that just shows how much He's in touch with me.. even when I choose to abandon Him.

I wrote my last post here a day ago, saying that I'm ready to live a life with a renewed mind on His love and grace. I got one today.

As I was reading Father's Love Letter today, something stirred in my heart. And I became aware of things that were said to me earlier, I just never felt it with this much certainty before.

Everything made perfect sense. Why I suffered. Why I fall. It all goes back. Way back.


But you see, I need the renewal EVERYDAY for as long as I live. I'm not worried. Because if He can answer me today, I'm so definitely certain He will not refuse to renew my mind tomorrow and for-evermore, as long as I'm willing to be renewed.






I learn to love Him this much more today.
I know my love for Him is temperamental & conditional, but I'm determined to keep this love burning. I want to fan it. I want to keep it growing. I want to keep it healthy.


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Finally, it's out of my system.
All those 'annoying problems' built-up. It's all flushed out. I'm not the only one who knows things any more.
And I'm glad. You know? It's like something heavy has been lifted off. I feel lighter.



Still, I know I'm not completely healed. Because it's not from You. That moment will come. I will be waiting. Meanwhile, prepare my heart for that moment.


I'm tired of living a life where I don't have a renewed mind of your constant unconditional love and grace. I need an ultimate confirmation from You. Even if it's a true turning point in my life.

I want this. I don't know if I'm ready, but I want this.
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Shall I allow myself to indulge in a memory which requires nothing but perhaps results in superficial expatiations?

I'm tempted to go for it. But I know deep inside that, unless I make it clear to myself that this is only a friction of a memory which provides a moment of joy and have no power to shape the future, I could not afford to go on.

I have decided to linger on the memory a little longer.
Why? Because I have more annoying problems to face in life now. This is perhaps my little getaway. Something I can enjoy alone in my mind, that no one can take from.


I am fully aware that memory has no power to shape the future into what I dream of it to be, but since I am aware of that, I shall have no expatiations.

And if I am indeed fooling myself, I will be responsible of all my heartbreaks.
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Father, this is getting too difficult.


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